Still Squirming for Breath


In the reading I had the other day with a talented intuitive channeler Mollie (who gives readings at The Sacred Well every Thursday), I was instructed to work on my struggles with perfection.

In case I forgot to mention it, apparently I'm not perfect. If there were any doubt of that before, I've certainly learned my lesson in the past few weeks.

I've tried my darnedest not to shirk my horoscope-writing duties, for I know you all count on these weekly love-letters to the zodiac signs. Beyond that, I've had absolutely no ability to write more good stuff for you all, my loyal readers… no lively articles, no looks-ahead, not even responses to the many emails I receive. I have many eager clients-to-be, waiting to hear back from me about appointments for personal consultations. Again, I apologize. My computer is toasted, and I haven't been able to get myself back up and running yet.

We mustn't forget about the brand-new store I just opened, and its mess of undealt-with papers, its processes not-yet-put-in-place, and the fly-by-the-seat-of-our-pants energy that's keeping the place running. But oh, it's running all right—better than we could've imagined, with neighbors and customers and friends dropping by to tell us how wonderful our space is, how glad they are to have us, and how they can't wait to come back over and over again.

What tremendous blessings, to have more work than I can handle and, now, a gorgeous storefront home for all the magic…

… so you can imagine my shock to greet all this wonderfulness with a profound sense of discombobulation, disappointment and discouragement. Oh, my gosh! How could this have happened?

Ordinarily, I would probably hide these feelings from you, my so-called 'adoring public', in an attempt to carefully control the image you have of me. You might think me incredible, ambitious, unshakeable—and I might have you believing these things, without also revealing I'm overwhelmed, scared, exhausted and intensely emotional. I guess that makes me human, a fact that I'm supposed to embrace in all its glaring imperfection. Instead, it makes me feel useless, ineffectual, fraudulent, prone to making horrible life-altering mistakes. (Now I feel like I need a shower… yuck!) But at least I'm sharing the truth with you all, in hopes of moving through the challenges, rather than sticking myself even deeper into the hole.

As Mollie (or the entity speaking through her) told me, I am beautiful like a piece of broken glass with light shining through. Of course, I'd rather be a tall, sleek, flawless sculpture, with a professionally engineered display of powerful spotlights aimed at the ideal angle to illuminate my best features exquisitely… but I guess I should take 'beautiful' where I can find it. Still, I find it so difficult to imagine beauty could come from my glaring lack of control over all that's spinning unstably in my life right now—not to mention the horrible Mercury-retrograde madness that, though it's officially over (Mercury went direct on Thu Nov 1), I have yet to recover from personally. I'm embarrassed at what a blubbering mess I've been. However, there is light at the end of this tunnel.

The Sacred Well, my new store, is like a newborn baby… and at the same time I'm so proud of its first baby breaths, it also cries and soils itself and doesn't sleep through the night. I am confident it will grow into a wise, warm adult over these coming months and years, and touch the many souls who walk through its doors or visit our (yet-to-be-built) website. Yet, I can now relate to women who suffer from post-partum depression, and how crushing it is to see the joyful sparkle in the eyes of your creation, but remain somewhat outside the joy yourself, crippled by the emotional surges, the tiredness and the doubt about what the hell you were thinking to get yourself in this far in the first place, when life was so damn good before the birth.

My computer finally made it into the repair shop this week, and I finally caught enough psychic space to sit down and type away to you, my readers, and ask for your sincerest generosity and compassion in my challenging time. I'm still trying to figure out my new day-to-day work flow, how to balance my different professional commitments with my desire to provide you the most thoughtful assistance I can—all while tending to my personal life, my adorable pup (now over a year old, a bit mad I haven't been around as often, and exploring his newfound urges to chew on the carpeting), and my own well-being (haven't been the gym in two weeks, and not happy about that at all).

I humbly offer you the truth of my current experience, both in explanation and as a gesture of human connection. I can't be the only one who's ever felt this way… who's moved to make big dreams come true, biting off huge chunks of life only to find there's way too much food in my mouth and I'm going to have spit some back out or choke on my own tongue trying to swallow. Stick with me, as I continue to digest. I'll write you something astrologically relevant very very soon.