Horoscopes | Week of October 15-21, 2007

ARIES (March 21-April 19): You're totally justified for not blindly swallowing the 'official' version of the story that's been publicly circulating. However, you're in no position to go on record with your suspicions. Harbor them quietly, while digging deeper and gathering more raw data. The thoughts churning wildly in your head aren't yet ready to be voiced. Lay low, and give 'em time to develop. Before you enlist anybody else in sorting through the facts (existing, new or conjectured), you should first resolve the matter internally. If you aren't overwhelmingly sure, it will hurt your case to come out with it. You must keep processing your feelings on the matter, so you can clearly distinguish between (1) your subjective reactions and (2) the objective truth of what happened. Otherwise, your unfiltered emotional rendering will sound confusing to others' ears… and maybe lose you their allegiance, though you might've had it if you'd waited two or three weeks longer. If you sincerely want to 'do the right thing', that will involve putting in your due diligence with regards to the research, in addition to stripping as much personal investment out of the situation as possible, so it becomes merely an issue of logical responsibility. (No one will want to indulge your intricacies, just to further some vendetta you may be holding onto.) Continue thinking about it all, but hold off on taking observable action.


TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Quit the soft, sweet and/or shy routine. I ain't buyin' it, Taurus. You're not really as bashful as you're playing off, are you? Whatever the absurd excuse you've developed for why you only show a selected few the full-and-uncensored rendition of your true personality… it's nothing but a crappy rationalization. The less you worry about what comes out of your mouth (i.e., how they'll perceive you, how it'll ruin the carefully constructed persona you've been presenting, how you'll only prove to be totally unlovable once they know what you're actually thinking), the more smoothly all your valuable assessments, clever one-liners and warm-hearted appeals will flow. Haven't you realized that you're the one with all the judgments? The rest of us just want to get to know you better, that's all. It's okay if you get nervous, as you thrust yourself more fully into the heart of the action. When in doubt, crack another stupid joke. Better yet, draw overt attention to your nervousness… and someone will surely rescue you from your case of the stuttering awkwards. What won't work, alas, is playing like you're more easy-breezy, casual or flexible than you really are. Truth be told, everyone's already well aware of your strong-willed opinions—and we love you still, though we won't always agree with you. Why pretend to 'not care'?


GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Don't want to do what you're 'supposed' to do, Gemini? You can hijack this lack of desire to stay 'on task' and actually use it to your overall advantage… by making it an excuse to plunge into some other project you've been meaning to deal with for a while now, but which never seems to end up at the top of your priority list. It has to be done sometime, right? Your astrologer is giving you permission to slack off on the day-to-day crap you're feeling totally over—as long as you promise to put that energy into something that, though it'll give you a sense of variety, still qualifies as 'work'. Put all the old family pictures into photo albums. File away that drawer of already-paid bills and important papers into the appropriate folders. Scrub out the refrigerator. Measure the windows for new blinds, then order 'em and discard the old broken ones. Among the examples I've thrown out, you might notice I've concentrated on items that fall into the 'cleaning, organizing and/or improving your home' category. This is an extraordinarily useful area to spend large chunks of your time on this week. In the long run, it'll actually save you time, now that you won't be wasting it on the hunt for lost keys, misplaced checks or your nephew's mailing address. But beyond that, you won't believe the inner relief that'll come from a tidier desk, an uncluttered living room, or a repaired garbage disposal. It might even bring back your motivation to do all the usual crap, too, since the 'piling up' feeling will diminish in direct proportion to the shrinking of actual piles.


CANCER (June 21-July 22): Even though I'm expected to dole out everybody's favorite anticipated Mercury-retrograde advice to be extra-careful and avoid recklessness… I simply cannot, in good conscience, continue with that train of thought for you, Cancer. If anything, I want to tell you to throw caution to the wind and court a little healthy recklessness… though I'm sure my legal representation wouldn't like that so much, dare you try to hold me accountable for your actions, so let the record reflect I only want to tell you such things, but am not actually doing said telling. We (the planets and I) are trying to get your into a wild-and-daring mood. Can't you tell? We want you to throw on a scandalous outfit, and get the party rockin'! We wouldn't mind if you climbed right up onto the bar, and danced all your inhibitions away! (Of course, we'd prefer that you bring a designated-as-the-responsible-one pal along for the escapade, so you can go further than you normally would and know you've got someone looking out for you.) Above all else, we want you to have a damn good time. Your other choice (and not a particularly tempting one) is to lose your decision-making ability behind a jittery jumble of 'should I or shouldn't I?' vacillations that treat fairly insignificant issues as if they're of major magnitude. Do you really like getting caught in imaginary what-if scenarios that much? Relax, already. The world won't stop or start over the miniature molehills you've magnified to Everest proportions.


LEO (July 23-August 22): Perhaps it's best to politely decline the latest batch of invitations, and permit yourself to hide out until you catch your breath again. Life in the outside world will go on without you… and you'll lose no ground with the folks who think you're awesome. Everybody's allowed a break from being his inflated public self, and from all the pressure that comes along with saying the right things at the right time to the right people so they keep on loving you. Aren't you dying for a brief respite from all that madness? Take a week off from whatever doesn't qualify as absolutely essential, and redirect the energy usually reserved for being socially charming to some activity that only you will benefit from. No one else needs to know what you're up to. It's no one else's business, after all, so who cares how you might explain it to them? Don't bother. They'll get by just fine without being informed of your whereabouts. Wander off, far far away from 'the scene'. You won't miss anything. The usual suspects will still be around next week, doing their usual thing… and you, if all goes well, will return refreshed and ready to regale them all with tales of your retreat from the spotlight (rewritten, of course, to keep the private parts private). Some might even call it a 'comeback'. But you've got to leave first, if you want to qualify.


VIRGO (August 23-September 22): Please allow me to spin the predictable warnings about your retrograde-stricken ruler Mercury to your decided delight, Virgo, so we can flip the conventional logic on its ear and make something new-and-improved out of it. Thanks to the presence of Venus and Saturn in your 1st, I'm betting that people will be especially open to hearing your feedback this week… assuming you'll give it to 'em straight, with a touch of tough-love added for emphasis. Mercury retrograde is thought to convolute our communications, but if you've previously been hesitating to share your true feelings with a friend (fearing how it might come out), this Merc-retro may be your golden ticket to actually delivering the message that's been blocked up until now. First things first, though: Be sure to start out reassuring him/her, with a heartfelt expression of how much you trust and care. Go the extra mile to foster a sense of mutual safety and respect, in advance of getting into the 'tough' part. Just remember that, if done gracefully, your honesty is a deeply loving gift. Usually, we don't put ourselves so far out on the line unless we're intensely invested in the relationship. That said, if you don't care that much about the person and you merely want an opportunity to tell 'em off… please skip this feedback-venting exercise, and instead chirp brightly about the weather, the food you ate last night, or Jennifer Lopez's pregnancy.


LIBRA (September 23-October 22): So many of our tech-reliant contemporaries rely on the ATM printout or the script-reading customer-service lady to verify our account balances, rather than following that old-fashioned method of doing our own math, complete with reconciliations of receipts, bills and statements. I know, I know… how quaint almost to assume anybody uses a calculator anymore. But I sincerely hope you haven't forgotten your arithmetic, or, for that matter, the basic business skills that each of us should be responsible for knowing. For instance, to make a profit, you must bring in more revenue than you put out. And in order to keep from bankrupting yourself, you must spend less than you earn. I certainly don't intend to insult your intelligence, Libra. Yet, at the same time, as I warned you last week, Mercury is now retrograde in your house of money and possessions (the solar 2nd)… which heightens your need to be on top of these little details, despite the fact it may be the last thing you feel like doing (or that you feel good at). This would be a time to expect misapplied payments, misplaced paperwork, misunderstood arrangements, and other such descriptive phrases beginning with the prefix 'mis-' that could have an adverse effect on the smoothness of your financial dealings—if, that is, you're not paying attention. On the other hand, this is also a great moment for a comprehensive review of all your recent transactions… and you just might catch something that'll save you some bucks or restore misappropriated funds. And if you apply this thinking on the job and come up with some brilliant cost-cutting measure, you may even receive a slice of the savings. Make sure all your ideas are practically minded and easy to understand… and be prepared to share the credit, without any resentful traces of ownership.


SCORPIO (October 23-November 21): Let's not be na´ve, you and me… for anybody who might qualify an inquiry she's about to make as merely being 'an innocent question' is hardly as innocent as she'd claim, or why bother with the disclaimer? (Similarly: Beware of any statement that begins, 'I don't mean to be a bitch, but…') If you're on the receiving end of such questioning, I'm sure you'll be able to sniff out the underlying motivation. Don't blow the top off it, though, Scorpio. Instead, put it back on the other person with your own inquiring requests for more information. Pretty soon, the 'innocent' questioner will be forced to reveal the assumptions beneath her query—and you won't have had to be confrontational about it. This is just the sort of mind-trick you'll be capable of, with Mercury retrograde in your sign. Don't forget, however, that you're also prone to getting caught in your own squirrelly undercover investigations, due to the fact that your inner filter (usually pretty good in a Scorpio) isn't functioning as usual. This could easily lead you to say too much too fast… and accidentally show your hand, and maybe even, in the process, offend someone you really like. For now, you're simply not as sly as you'd like to consider yourself. So please, for your own self-protection, think twice about who your audience is before launching into a sassy offhand or putting somebody through a grand three-degree inquisition. And don't try to hide anything, unless you get a kinky kick out of being discovered.


SAGITTARIUS (November 22-December 21): Some of these politicians we see plastered all over our TVs really know how to play it. They can generate huge popularity and mega-dollars in fundraising by revealing very little about what they actually believe or what they might do, should we vote them into office. Not the stereotypically Sagittarian way of coming across, though, is it? Usually, people know exactly where you stand on this or that matter—mainly because you tell 'em what's up, in no uncertain terms. For now, however, look to the slick statesmen and -women as your role models… and tread very softly during any and all public appearances. Maintain an air of mystery around you, leaving 'em wondering what's really going on inside your head. You'll create a much more powerful impression by saying little (far far less than you ordinarily would), but adding friendly shoulder pats or forming meaningful eye contact with those who matter most or who you seek to impress. This will cast an intriguing, almost glamorous distance between you and others, giving them lots of room to project the most fabulous personality traits onto you… whether or not they're truly accurate. Of course, the hardest part for you, my earnest truth-teller, is to allow potentially misinformed or incomplete opinions of you to sit out there uncorrected. Here's what I say to that: Don't outright lie to anybody. (Notice the phrase is 'potentially misinformed or incomplete'.) If they ask you a straight-up question, you should tell them as much truth as you need to in order to satisfy their curiosity… but no more. If you're merely assuming they have the wrong idea about you but haven't heard any actual statements to that fact, let it go for now. You can clarify things in a few weeks. Until then, follow the politicians' lead: Make bombastic but content-sparse generalizations, shake lots of hands, and perhaps kiss a baby or two for good measure.


CAPRICORN (December 22-January 19): In my consultations with clients, no Sun-sign group reports more dissatisfaction with the way intro-to-astrology books describes their sign than you Capricorns. To read some authors' take on you, you'd think you were the most stodgy, uptight, judgmental party-poopers in the whole galaxy… and I personally know enough of you Caps to understand that this is patently untrue. How often do you read about the amazing wry sense of Capricorn humor? Or the desire to experience as much of what the world has to offer you as possible? What about all that? Well, my dear, you will have to own some part in this misconception about you… especially if you've recently been keeping to yourself, holding a pinched or stressful look on your face, or generally forgetting to enjoy life. Drag yourself out of it. Call on the kookiest friends you have to yank you out of that bubble. Get invited to join along on some adventure that'll get your adrenaline pumping (and your mind off the same boring business). I want to hear giggles of youthful excitement emitting themselves from you. I want you to prove those ridiculous astrological oversimplifications of you dead wrong. Remember how much fun it is to explore what else is out there, with no official goal in mind other than self-stimulation? If you've forgotten, it's definitely time for a reminder course.


AQUARIUS (January 20-February 18): Don't fear the mess. Your hands better be getting plenty dirty, or you're not burrowing far enough into the workheap to address the foundational process issues. Despite Mercury's present retrograde (or perhaps because of it), this is an excellent week for solving problems… whether they're at home or on the job. But as long as you skim along the surface and obsess on fixing the symptoms, you'll be using up a lot of scotch tape and paper clips and cell-phone minutes—without doing much more than racing on a hamster wheel, squandering time and money on that journey to the same place. Throw on your dirtiest paint-stained jeans. Get down on all fours. Unlatch the safety, pop the hood, and grab around in there. Identity the rough spots that keep tripping you up, and decide to eliminate them, once and for all. You may have to take the whole damn thing apart, emptying out the contents and starting again from scratch, if you really want to make progress. Play around with all sorts of possibilities, until you stumble on the perfect solution. Be forewarned: If the major hitch is a personality problem, this too will need to be tackled. That means refusing to pussyfoot around the possibly-harsh feedback required to nip it in the bud. You're not doing anybody any favors by sugarcoating the reality, as if 'sparing their feelings' in the short term doesn't ultimately keep them performing feebly for a longer time. You don't have to be mean about it… but you should be totally honest.


PISCES (February 19-March 20): How did last week's very-clear-and-unambiguous progress report go, Pisces? Whatever the results, at least you know where you stand. This week is your prime chance to iron out any mixed signals you may've been giving off, now that you have a much better idea of what's realistically possible and what's mere fantasy. If a hot guy or girl has got you mad with desire (and there's no extenuating circumstances you'd have to overlook or ignore, in order to proceed)… by all means, let 'em know. And if you're still not sure how you feel, be upfront about that, too. It buys you the time necessary to decide—and gives the maybe-object of your maybe-affection a chance to win you over or let you down. Let me add this, though: If you're only dawdling in hopes the other person will change their mind (or their long-standing sub-par behavior), then you obviously aren't getting the clue. Need I spell it out? They've already shown you who they are… and a zebra doesn't change its stripes, no matter how many times you squint at it or dye its fur a pleasant monotone. You simply must look ahead, rather than retrospectively pining away for something that probably wasn't all you made it out to be anyhow. Your future is so unbelievably bright on the relationship horizon, but you have to be unflinchingly serious about what's good for you—and what will always leave you wanting more.