Don't Simplify for Relationships' Sake

9.22.03


"I'm a Taurus. My boyfriend is an Aquarius. Should we be together?"

"I was told that, since I'm a Aries, I should stay away from Capricorn women… is that true?"

"My friend who's a Gemini always dates Pisces. She's on the fifth one in a row. Is that normal?"

"What sign am I most compatible with?"

Without fail, these are the types of questions I'm most commonly asked whenever people find out I'm an astrologer. People want relationship advice. Not really a surprise, right?

As if we're not well aware of our common obsession with all things love-and-relationship-oriented. How many TV shows are based on hooking up compatible matches between two singles-not-wanting-to-be-single? And these contestants want help, since they are clearly fearful of making the wrong choices, gun-shy from previous misfortune in love. They rely on assistance from friends, family, even the home-viewing public to select their perfect mate from the cast of four or twenty. These TV daters are not unlike the many moderns among us who use the Internet as our filtering mechanism, deploying its world-wide-webness to both broaden the candidate pool and to analyze heaps of data (favorite music, turnons and turnoffs, physical characteristics) for a better chance at achieving compatibility.

Naturally, then, astrology, a tool for achieving better self-understanding—and thus a better understanding of how we see others and what we seek in relationships—is appealing to those countless millions of us who want to know where our Mr. or Ms. Right is, what he or she looks like, and what sign he or she is.

On the occasion of Tuesday's entry of the Sun into the relationship-oriented sign of Libra (otherwise known as the autumnal equinox), I begin a month-long look at astrology and its relationship to relationships. Because, I've learned, enquiring minds want to know. And now that both Mercury and Mars have turned direct after weeks of retrograde madness, we're finally equipped to put our logical minds and unswerving wills back to work and actually learn something new (and have it make sense).

So with that in mind, let me start this extended discussion of astrology and relationships with a simple reminder crucial to understanding any sophisticated astrological concept. That is: We are more than just our Sun signs.

Sun signs are the most popular form of astrology, as evidenced by all the horoscopes out there (mine included) that offer daily, weekly or monthly advice based on the division of all humankind into only twelve categories. There is some value to this simplification of astrology (clearly I believe so, or else I wouldn't write Sun-sign horoscopes every week), but this is not the fullest picture of astrology. And if we are going to engage astrology to assist us with finding an appropriate mate, we don't want to settle for a simplistic understanding.

Each of us as individuals is symbolized astrologically by our birthcharts, maps of where all the planets were (in zodiac signs and houses) at the time and place of our birth. Anyone who's had a birthchart reading knows that this comprehensive picture of our astrological self conveys a whole lot more useful information than merely knowing our Sun sign. A birthchart reveals the positive flows and challenging conflicts between different parts of ourselves—our subconscious emotional behaviors, our intellectual drives, our way of physically acting out, our receptivity among others, etc. Our Sun sign, which represents our more basic sense of conscious ego, can tell us something about what we seek in others, but it cannot reveals the complex workings underneath the surface.

With little knowledge of astrology, Louise (our sample relationship-seeker) might only know that she is a Virgo, born in late August. Based on her Sun sign alone, equipped with one of those pop-astrology books or magazine columns that promise to lead her to love, Louise could read that her best mates will be either a Taurus or a Capricorn, other Earth signs that share Virgo's orientation toward practical matters and logical reasoning.

However, what Louise doesn't know is that her Moon and Mars are in Aquarius and her Venus in Sagittarius, painting a fuller picture of eccentricity and adventure encapsulated within her calmer and more restrained Virgo self. Louise might not understand why, despite the fact her favorite magazine keeps pushing her to date Taurus and Capricorn men, she is instead repeatedly drawn to more fiery and frenetic Leos and Geminis.

However, a skilled astrologer can look beneath the surface to discover that Louise craves a mate with a more free-spirited lifestyle and an appreciation of joyous experimentation not generally matched up with a typical Virgo.

This Thursday evening is the New Moon in Libra, meaning that the Sun and Moon come together to provide us an opportunity to commit ourselves to a fresh outlook on how we relate in one-on-one relationships.

Those of us without a partner—whether we are actively seeking one or consider ourselves satisfied alone—must come to recognize our inevitable complexity as individuals with regards to this issue. That way, when met with another person in a potential romantic situation, we are able to dive beneath the first instinct to accept or reject them uncritically and to explore the different areas where we might click and conflict. Every relationship contains both, and we are better off if we choose our involvement based on a slow, getting-to-know-each-other exploration of the boons and busts of the connection.

Meanwhile, those of us who are partnered must beware of the instinct to grow too comfortable with our image of the other person, smoothing over the complexity of an individual's psyche in favor of the roles we each fulfill over time. Just as we got to know our partners during that idyllic honeymoon phase, we must keep becoming reacquainted as each of us change. That way, we don't get caught in labels of "the responsible one" or